Self Diagnosis
“Self Diagnosis” by Samuel L. Rubinstein is a short collection of 13 poems which look at issues of mental health, suicide, homelessness, and finding hope.
Published by Two Key Customs there are a limited number of chapbooks left so get one today.
Self-Diagnosis
Recently,
I’ve begun to notice that there is this new hip trend going around,
where to help break down the stigmas of mental illness
people have begun to romanticize the concept.
They self-diagnose after watching movies
like "Perks of being a Wallflower"
“It's Kind of a Funny Story"
or "Me Earl and the Dying Girl."
They see the main character and go
"Wow, that is so real—
so relatable—
so
me.”
And I hate to be the one who bursts that big bad bubble but—
that’s the whole point of a main character—
to make you feel for them and like them as though they’re real.
But the truth is
they're not.
I am so sick of people coming up to me and telling me
that they get depressed after a tough day
or anxious before a test they forgot to study for,
so they totally get what I go through when I wake up every day
upset that I somehow survived the night.
No offense,
you don't.
Mental illness is not poetry and dark clothes.
It's not being afraid of things that strike fear normally,
and above all it’s not romantic.
This is not "romantic."
There is nothing romantic about a hollow pain in your chest,
feeling all the energy drain from you every moment of the day,
or not being able to take a compliment because clearly, it must be a lie.
And I am so sick of being told that my depression inspires me to write,
because I don't write when I'm depressed.
My body is too heavy to bring pen to paper,
eyes too watery,
heart too hollow.
When I'm depressed, I'm focused on two things:
breathing
and not driving my car off a bridge on the Garden State Parkway.
So, please don't tell me
how you occasionally get nervous before going to a party where you don't know anyone.
Please don't tell how you cry after break-ups.
Please don't say that you have bad days, too.
We all have bad days, but I've had bad weeks, bad months, bad years.
And the worst part is
nothing caused it.
Nothing but a chemical imbalance that makes me feel less man,
more mixture between monster and mistake.
The truth is
breaking down a stigma doesn’t mean romanticizing the pain,
but understanding that it’s there
and being happy to know that you may never have to feel it yourself.
